Dear Record Company: Letters to your decision-makers
A quality -control engineer with a large record label shares some of his snap, crackle, and warp correspondence.
This is a complaint. A complaint about com plaints. I'm tired of not being appreciated for the job I have to do. What do I do? I'm the quality -control man for a largish but quality -conscious record company. Now I'm sure there are some of you who will doubt my existence ("Nobody cares about quality any more" is the commonly heard cry), but here I am, and there are-believe me-many others like me. I work very hard to keep defective records out of the stores, and when one does appear, I try to track down the cause of the defect and eliminate it.
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AND what do I get for my efforts? Insults, that's what. Let me share with you some of my actual (only slightly censored) mail and you'll see what I mean:
Enclosed please find one of your products. I believe it is intact enough for you to figure out which one it is. This is the third copy of this record I have owned. I exchanged two other warped copies for this warped copy that repeats every line through all the cuts on side one; I couldn't face side two.
The album was played with a top-quality turntable and cartridge tracking at 1 gram without success. I've had it. You can take this lousy edition of your lousy product and the four bucks, or whatever it cost, and stuff it. You "folks" ought to go into a business you seem to understand much better than your present vocation-junk dealing.
L.O.S., Hartford, Conn.
This communication came in a 3 x 5 -inch envelope along with all the pieces of the record being complained about. Do you know how hard it is to break a record into pieces that will fit into an envelope that small? Try it some time. I'm just glad I don't have to introduce myself to this guy in a dark alley. I can understand his frustration, but don't you think it would have been more reasonable to send me the offending record intact? That way I would have been able to see what the problem was firsthand.
To be honest, I have never seen a manufacturing defect that would cause a tone arm to skip throughout the entire record as this writer claims (it would have to be shaped, I imagine, something like your basic Pringles potato "chip"). I suspect that the problem was caused by improper storage in the record shop or by a combination of too -light tracking and (perhaps) excessive antiskating force. I sent this rather intense correspondent another copy of the record, but I never received as much as an acknowledgment. It must have been okay, however, because I didn't get that one back in a matchbox.
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SOME days my mail isn't bulging with record pieces and insults. Some days it's just threats:
I received as a gift your issue of the complete Mahler symphonies. Unfortunately, the records were in such dis gusting shape that they could not be played. I can accept a small amount of surface noise, but this is too much. My brother, who gave me this gift, is an Assistant U.S. Attorney, and when I told him what occurred, he (like myself) was out raged. He got in touch with a friend who is a federal attorney in your state and he requested that we send him the records so he could forward them to the proper agency. A copy of this letter is being sent with the defective product to the above -mentioned attorney. A copy is also being sent to STEREO REVIEW magazine.
R.W. , Bayonne, N.J.
If this letter is a legitimate complaint (we'll examine that point in a moment), I find it hard to believe that all fourteen of the discs in the set have "disgusting" surfaces. Surely at least some of them were only mildly distasteful. And why am I being threatened with attorneys, some vaguely identified agency, and, last but not least, the heavy guns of STEREO REVIEW? If a buyer has a complaint about a record, the first place to go is the store where it was purchased. If an exchange is not possible at the store, then the record should be returned to the manufacturer along with a letter containing a clear, noise -free description of the problem. Only after that fails (and it usually won't) should "outside agencies" be considered.
It is my opinion, however, that this letter is a phony.
Some legal eagle from Bayonne, New Jersey, has decided that he wants this particular set of records and can get them by sending me a nasty letter. But every one in the business is pretty wise to that trick these days. I've sent this budding con artist our standard
J form letter requesting that the records be returned to us for inspection. They haven't arrived yet (a month or so later), so I don't think they ever will. (I have since discovered that other record companies have received identical letters from the same person complaining about different records. I wonder if collectively we have enough grounds to bring suit for extortion?)
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I ALSO get complaints about the form letter I use. Some people think that form letters are the record company's way of getting even with complaining customers, just another means of demonstrating that they really don't give a hoot. Well, form letters are not exactly evil, but they are necessary. I just don't have the time to write a personal answer to every letter I receive and run down the cause of the complaint too. Here's a sample of one letter I use; I think it is polite, brief, and to the point:
Dear Customer:
In reply to your letter of (date), we regret the inconvenience caused by the defective record. Would you be kind enough to return it to us for inspection and exchange? Please mark the package "Educational Material" to avoid payment of excessive postage.
It would be helpful to us if you would include a short note specifying exactly where the defect is-that is, which side, what band, how many inches from the outer edge, what you hear when playing the record, and so forth. Many thanks for your cooperation.
Sincerely, Your Record Company
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NONETHELESS, one civic -minded person took exception to part of my letter:
The five albums that I want to return were purchased for my listening pleasure, not for "educational" purposes. I do not see the need to return them to you labeled as such; as you apparently do not realize, ripping off the Post Office by falsifying mailing purposes only serves to increase postal rates. Most users of the U.S. mails agree that postal services are currently too inefficient and costly at that. I am disturbed that you are asking me to contribute to this problem. Furthermore, why should I spend additional monies mailing these records when it is your fault that they need to be returned in the first place?
J.E.G. , New York, N.Y.
Well, just to set the record straight (no pun intend ed), the Postal Service will consider any book or record "Educational Material," no matter the reason for which they were purchased. We are not "ripping off" the Postal Service by suggesting that records be mailed fourth class. Besides, they won't be handled any bet ter or faster if sent first class. (After receiving this letter, I noticed that the return address was only nine short blocks away from my office. The writer could easily have returned the records in person and thus avoided burdening the U.S. postal system.)
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OCCASIONALLY people do return their records in person. One such adventurous soul appeared in the office one day and demanded that his defective record be exchanged. He claimed that the record was warped, but when the offending platter was placed on a turntable, no warp was visible-to my eye, at least. But, obeying the unwritten law "The customer is usually right," I went to the stockroom and got another copy.
The record was played in our quality-control room with the customer present. The record was deemed acceptably flat and noise-free by all concerned-until the customer happened to take a closer look at our record player. "My God!" he exclaimed, "You're playing that at 2 grams. You've just erased all the high frequencies!" And with that he picked up his original "defective" disc and departed.
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NOT all the letters I receive are abusive. Some are just a little strange.
I recently bought (whatever happened to those good old days at Club 47?) one of your records. Side two plays fine, but side one has roadblocks on it. I purchased the record as a cutout in E. Lansing, Michigan. Upon returning back to Uniontown, Maryland, I deduced that it skips. If I could get a re placement that would be nice. As it stands now, side one is unplayable except for the first song.
J.F. , Uniontown, Md.
Now the strange aspect of this letter, aside from the tortured handwriting and grotesque punctuation (here repaired for the sake of intelligibility), was a freehand sketch of the offending product that vaguely resembled a shot -gunned Frisbee. I didn't know quite what to expect when I asked that the record be returned to me, but in due course the disc arrived in the mail and, much to my surprise, was exactly as shown in the drawing. It was probably the worst case of non -fill pressing (meaning that the plastic didn't flow sufficiently or evenly onto and into the stamper) I have ever seen. I guess you can't always tell a leopard by its spots (or an audiophile by his letters).
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BY now you should have some idea of what I, and others stuck with similar jobs, have to put up with. But don't think that we are simply tired of complaints. Far from it! All record companies (all manufacturers, for that matter) are interested, if not exactly overjoyed, in hearing legitimate complaints. They help with quality control by making it easier to locate and correct flaws in the manufacturing process-nobody, and nothing, is perfect, after all.
if you think about it, you'll realize that letters are the only feedback (aside from sales figures) that the quality -control engineers get from the record -buying public. If most of the letters received are from those trying to "liberate" a few records for themselves, or from discomaniacs with unrealistic ideas about what makes a good record, the net effect on improving disc quality will be zero. So, keep those cards and letters comin' in, folks. But try to keep your outrage under control, your expectations within the realm of possibility, and your complaint carefully worded to tell us exactly what you found wrong. Together we may be able to have some positive effects on record -quality problems, both the immediate and specific and the long term and general.
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Also see:
Digital Audio: A Primer (Feb. 1981)
Source: Stereo Review (USA magazine)